Red Confessions

Good morning viewers. We are here today to give the contenders for the Labour Party leadership an opportunity to confess their errors and shortcomings over the past five years.

Can we start with you David, what went wrong for you? ‘Well my principal error was not to come out against Gordon. I think I would have won, and who knows, the General Election result might have been different. But what do I know about economic management really? Nothing really. I must confess I admired Gordon. It is difficult to stab  someone in the back  who has just saved the Western world from  econonmic meltdown. That’s my fault really, I’m not ruthless enough.’ Ed Balls?  ‘Unlike David, I do know something about economic management although nothing about foreign affairs.(Laughter). My problem is that I am too like David Cameron, although cleverer (my Oxford marks were higher you know). I dash around a lot showing good humour, make a lot of decisions, most of them wrong. I smile real smiles. But I am not certain that the electorate will want another Cameron after experiencing the first.’ ‘The other Ed.’  ‘My principal shortcoming, error if you like, is that my ideas are as yet unformed, a little shapeless and incoherent BUT that is how it is for the electorate. Most of us are stumbling in the dark and I am at one with them. I think people may come to like this, not certainties as such but shared incomprehension and a willingness to learn.’ ‘Mr Burnham’ , sir, how about you?’  ‘I am a man of the people. I come from the people, and they know I am from them. Not everyone likes this. Some people you know do not wish to be recognised as people, they have other ideas. These individuals, for I want to be fair to them,  should vote Tory and if really puzzled the Lib Dems. ‘ Last but not least, our black woman candidate, Diane Abbott.’ ‘I have not committed any errors for I have not been a member of this Government. I was never asked to be a member and Michael Portillo and I would have turned down any invitation. My views are fully consistent with those of all party members. In particuar I am against all foreign wars, Iraq, Afghanistan, Hitler, the Kaiser, and the Boers. I am not a pacifist. The troops should be brought home and assembled at ports, railway stations and town halls and we should fight them from there. If I am to be criticised for staying too long on the sofa with Michael I should make clear that nothing, absolutely nothing was going on.’

‘Thank you all. Nothing more need be said. ‘


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