Draft (spoof) letter to public service employees from the Coalition Leaders..
Dear Public Servant (00p!) Service Worker
As you may know the Coalition Government has decided to eliminate all public debt and to reduce the National Debt in the term of this Parliament (God willing!!). To do this we need to make big cuts in the public services. Put bluntly there are too many of you and you are paid too much. Over the next year it will be necessary to reduce your numbers drastically, to pay you less in real terms and to reduce public contributions to your pensions. (There is no truth to the rumour that the Government will attract thousands of people from Indonesia to replace you at much lower wages. As you know the Coaltion does not approve of this kind of thing !! This is a joke boss!). Now we in Whitehall do not have a clue on how to do this (sorry, substitute ‘invite your co-operation’). Look around your office. Do you see people doing things they need not do, superfluous tasks, are some people idle (painting their nails, perhaps)? Is every one crucial to the overall efficiency of your Department? Is your Department really necessary at all? We don’t know. Perhaps you do.’ (This is called in the business manuals as Basic Wisdom. Do you wish to use this term?) Put more simply, if there are twenty people in your office, can you suggest five who might be sacked? Give some thought to the costs of sacking. All this is confidential. No one outside the Government will identify you with particulular changes. (Is this not dangerous, sir. Are you not inviting people to rat on their colleagues!)
Some impudent people (shall I mention trade union agitators?) have suggested that people in glass houses should not throw stones. How can we, they say, object to high levels of debt when we have numerous mortgages and private pensions funded by the tax payer and pay tax accountants more than their average annual wage to avoid tax? This is silly stuff. If you cut out bingo, heavy drinking and attendance at soccer matches you could fund your own pension plans. We are certainly not going to give you the names of our tax advisers.
Please take this letter seriously. In your heart you know we are right. We are all in this together. (I think this is a nice touch, sir. Appeal to their better feelings).